Friday, May 05, 2006
i think it's fairly likely that when you first meet a person, you tend to be afraid to really be yourself, to show your whole true self and have no qualms about it. either you find you cannot bring yourself to reveal too much, or you don't want to. it is only after some time that you can just let go, and be yourself.
however, it's quite a different thing when you know someone so, so well, and you think you know them inside out, but then suddenly you stumble upon an unknown trait, or habit, or even characteristic of the person. and this trait is something so unlike the person, that you can't help but ask yourself if you're dreaming.
well. i know i'm sometimes wary of revealing too much of myself to others. especially those who i'm not close to. actually no. i think i generally don't like to share whatever deep dark thoughts i may have with people. (not that i have lots of deep dark thoughts anyway.) and i'd understand perfectly if someone else doesn't really wanna be transparent from the beginning.
but then the second circumstance also applies to someone i know. and this discovery has bothered me. it's bothering me very much actually.
coz i'm really disappointed in this person
i don't know why. i guess i'd just like to think that things are, and will always be, just like they were when i was young(er). it is true that as i grow older, my eyes seem to be opening wider (not literally) and i'm seeing this person in a worse and worse light. or perhaps it's just that the person really IS changing. whatever the circumstance, i never thought that things would EVER get this bad.
i know what i should be doing.
i should be praying. for God to take His place in the centre of this person's life again.
i should be showing love, showing patience. trying to open this person's eyes, coz perhaps he/she needs to look around, and see that things ARE bad, whether he/she likes it or not.
yet it's so hard, when all i want to do is spend as much time away from this person as possible, to leave him/her to continue to wallow in his/her own world of... i don't know. seaweed? i don't even know if i've the power to influence this person, or if i have the authority to do so. in short, i do want to give up. but that the same time, that's just what i shouldn't do.
life is full of conflicting ideas, choices and, once in a while, crap. but then it's also a very beautiful thing. if i hadn't been blessed with my life, i'd never have lived to see all the gorgeous sunsets from my bedroom window, never known all the friends who have truly touched my heart, never tasted hershey's dark chocolate, never learned, never loved, never laughed till i cried. so i still say this: thank you God for my life. it's perfect in every way, though i've made many wrong choices in it, and let God down many times. i hope this time i'm not gonna let Him down again. i hope i'm gonna make a difference to this nasty situation somehow, in some way or another.
hence, these are the things i will strive to do:
1. i will love this person, regardless of how wrong i feel he/she is
2. i will be patient, to not only this person, but to everyone.
3. i will stand up for what i believe in. i will not follow along with the crowd just because it's, well, the crowd.
4. i will try to be friendlier to people, and not be dao
5. i will stop thinking that i cannot do things, stop being afraid to do things. i will give everything up, right into God's hands, coz He can use me to do anything.
You are God alone
From before time began
You were on Your throne
Your are God alone
And right now
In the good times and bad
You are on Your throne
You are God alone
it's called faith. trusting God to do the undoable. trusting Him with the insignificant, the significant, and the life and death situations.
Unchangeable
Unshakable
Unstoppable
That's what You are
thanks God, for being the only constant in my life.